Flashback

 

A number of random thoughts has been lingering my mind these past few days. It’s like one would pass by after the other. I don’t know whether to feel bad or good having this, up until now. I don’t know if it’s mere boredom of what’s really happenin’ that led me into having those disturbing thoughts. But, what really is happening? Is something happening? Are those thing bound to happen? The answer is a dumb I DON’T KNOW!! In the first place, I wouldn’t know how am i going to react about it. Do I like it? Was it all good? Do I see myself on those thoughts? Disturbing as it may seem, still I cant define it. Maybe it’s a combination of fear, anxiety, happiness, or perhaps loneliness. Probably those visions were the things I expect to happen in the future. Or maybe not… Maybe I’m just driven with that force inside… Maybe I’m just preoccupied with what I want to happen. It’s like rummaging through a clean and organized room looking for something you don’t have; something you like to have. It’s like hybernating in the blistering cold when in fact you’ve become numb inside…  

 

What am I saying? Damned as I have become, or damned as what you’d think it is, but a sudden rush of fear and loneliness has stricken upon me, and I don’t know why. But God once said, “Fear not, my child. I am here”… That I know and believe as well. What I’m feeling right now is unexplainable. I just cant describe and define it yet. But this will come to pass, I know. It’s just that I’m too overwhelmed with what I’m feeling. Maybe I just miss my friends… the days when we’re happy with each other… the days when I fell inlove with Lea… Oh, those were the days i enjoy the most. But that was then, and now is now. I must strive hard for my future and I have to act now. Do something for it to happen. I would want to reap what i sowed, the fruit of all my hardships. I do know it won’t be easy but God promises a good life to those who work hard for it… Oh, probably thats what’s bothering me for quite a while now… my so-called life… How am i going to mold it to be a strong and successful one… The one that would make me smile and say “Damn too good, Paul. You just made it. That’ll do….”

2 November 2004